What I Should Have Known
by Skypeoplephoenix732
Summary: Season 2 fall finale SPOILERS. After finding out that his parents really are dead, Ezra falls into depression and back to an old habit from the streets. Trigger warning: self-harm. It felt incomplete, so surprise! Final Chapter is up :)
1. Chapter 1

(A/N I've wanted do write a self-harm for a while now, but none of the narratives seemed to fit - as this is... also based on me. This is more of a vent for my emotions, so if you don't like the style or aren't comfortable with this topic, leave well enough alone. This was originally a little different, but I forgot to save and lost it. I ended it where I no longer needed to write, so let me know if you want more - 2 or 3 shot max  
Also, season 2 fall finale spoilers

"dialogue"

 _Thoughts or onomatopeia or particularly emphasized words_

" _telepathy_ ")

Numb. Nothingness. That empty feeling when you're completely void of all emotion, all feeling. Shaking my head rapidly, I try to snap out of it. Kanaan, or worse Zeb, could walk in any second. Can't let them see me like this. Conceal, can't let them know.

"Kid?" The door wooshes open, Hera in the doorway. "We're going for supplies. Anything you need?"

Hanging just another fake smile over the top of my jawbone, I shake my head. Her smile falters for a moment, or did it? Couldn't be. It was too brief a moment even if she did care. _Hmph_ , as of anyone could care for such a pathetic weakling. I slump against the cold metal wall. _Stupid, useless child_ , that voice chants in my head. _Of course they don't want you to be with them. You're such a disgrace, a_ _failure! Who cries over people he's known to be dead for years. YEARS!_ Breathing hard, I try to ignore that part of myself. That part of me that, the wants... No. Can't make them think even less of me. Ah, but they can't, cam they. They can't even look at you! Zeb, Sabine, Kanaan, even Chopper avoids you!

He-I'm right. Sighing, I curl further into myself, wishing there was a way-

A small glint of a thin-bladed, metal knife peeks out from the hidden tear in the lining of my sack before shooting into my hand. Closing my eyes, I relish in the first sensation I've had in what feels like months. The sharp pain in my right palm. The metallic taste of blood in the air. I scrape the small buildup of rust onto my belt. Breathing in the scent deeply, I tug at the false seam in my left sleeve. I grimace in disgust that I ever thought they might care enough to think about my clothes. Even off the street, I still know. You cut, you're weak. You're weak, you die. Scanning the exposed, scar-riddled flesh, I search for a blank canvas. Ah, the last patch just above my wrist. Any farther, and I'd have to wear gloves constantly again. Taking a shaky breath, I relax my wrist and drag the crimson-stained blade just above that pulsing vein ever so close.

(Kanaan's POV)

I smile grimly, transfering a few precious credits to the smuggler for his tiny cache of spine tree roots. Hardly worth the hundred credits for a mere handful, but... Ezra needs something. We don't really need a supply run, but we all - well most - thought it would be best to give the kid some space. Cursing under my breath, I wish for the millionth time that I knew something, anything, that could help him. I almost wish he had never had that vision- I stumble forward, a tidal wave of emotions crashing into me through the Force. Oh no...

"HERA!" I call over the com. "Something's wrong. I need to get back to Ezra."

"Kanaan? What's going on!" The others sound concerned, too, but I need to help my padawan. Dashing back to the speedster, I rocket back to the ship, hoping to the Force I would arrive in time. Why didn't I feel anything before? There isn't a darkness without, but so much pain... I flinch, almost flying off the speedster as another wave crashes into me. Clenching my teeth, I try to send a pulse of calm reassurance, but it's lost in the oceans of jumbled emotions. Leaping off the speedster as it stops, I run to Ezra's room faster than I've run before, not even bothering to press a button as I force swipe the door open. I gasp, frozen at the sight of Ezra crumpled on the floor, a small knife jammed unto his shoulder from a fall, but that wouldn't cause that much... I rush to his side, frantically pressing Zeb's sheets to his wrists as the pool of blood keeps growing.

"Ezra! Ezra, can you hear me? Stay with me, just stay with me. I-I can't lose you too."

(Ezra's POV - starting a few minutes before)

Sighing with the tiny measure of pleasure that I didn't deserve, I let another line of blood loose from my now alabaster skin. Hissing, I freeze as the knife hits... Karablast! Blood sprays everywhere from my right wrist. Too close, too close! I frantically pop the knife out and press my left palm against it, but it only makes the left bleed more. Suddenly light-headed, I sway back and forth for a moment before falling onto the floor, more pain sprouting from my shoulder where I landed on the knife. Biting back a cry of pain, I frantically look through hazy vision to find the first aid kit. Other side of the room. By... the door. No, must stay... awake. Unable to hold back a moan, I try to push with my legs towards the door, but they give out as my vision fades to darkness.

As my heartbeat slows to a stop, I hear a faint voice tug at me. Something... familiar. A few moments in limbo and I feel myself pulled back from the brink.

 _BEEP... BEEP_

My entire body feels like millions of loth-cats are clawing and biting every milimeter, inside and out. Pulling a ragged breath into sore lungs, I wonder what that-

 _BEEP...BEEP_

Yes, that sound. What is it? It's in time with the pounding in my ears... Karablast! I force my eyelids to open, albeit excruciatingly slowly. I'm in some sort of med bay, not on the Ghost that's for sure.

 _BEEP..BEEP..BEEP..BEEP_

A heart rate monitor. Panting lightly, I sluggishly turn my head, eyes immediately snapping closed to avoid Kanaan's stare.

"Ezra..." he hesitates, reaching towards my arm. Karablast! I wince, knowing he must have seen the scars. seen the scars. Karablast, he's seen the... the cuts. Oh force-

 _BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP_

A single, traitorous tear slips as I hear someone rush in. Shrinking in on myself, I try to curl defensively, only to find my arms and legs restrained. Instincts screaming, I jolt upright, setting off more heart rate monitor alarms as I use the Force to snap the bonds. Jerking free of IVs, I force leap up a vent, only to cry out as my wrists screamed under the weight. Collapsing back onto the bed in a ball, I instinctually try to hide my now-bleeding wrists.

More people rush in, but I can't see them through a haze of tears and confusion. What am I doing here? Why does anyone even care?

"Ezra, please, it's going to be. Be all right," Kanaan's voice cut through the chaos. Wait, why is he even here? "Ezra, let me help you." I shudder, his light touch on my back resting almost too close to where... I start to shake, internally screaming as the memory causing the scar replayed in my head

"No, please, just stop. Just don't... I'll do anything, just not that, just please stop!" I scream, petrified of the men surrounding me. Skin crumpling beneath flames, I scream wordessly as my back is flayed open, almost ripping me in half. Crying in full force, I struggle to stay awake. Why? I, I _wish_ I still didn't kn-know

A voice that doesn't belong cuts through my mental haze, " _Ezra, it's okay. You're safe. No one is hurting you._ " The words, the voice, keeps repeating. Hoarse, my soundless screams echo in my mind, the source of the voice. No, wait, I sense... more. Shaking violently, I cautiously grab hold of the hand formed by the voice's words. Phantom impressions of the me-memory... it was just a memory. Still shaking, I slowly open my eyes, flinching as Kanaan forced me to look into his eyes.

"Ezra, it's me," Kanaan said softly, gently holding my hands. "The monsters who did that to you are far away. You're safe here, with me."


	2. Chapter 2

_BEEP...BEEP_

I stare at Kanan. Did he just say... "Hmph?" I tense as he throws his arms around me.

"Ezra, I'm sorry, I had no idea." His voice is muffled in my hair. Surely he's not- "Ezra, we're here for you, all of us. I can't help until you tell me what's wrong, but-"

I pull away, nearly falling off the bed. Eyes wide with fear, I shake my head. "Nope, nothing for you to fix here."

Kanan catches me. "Kid, I know it can feel that-"

"NO! I don't need anyone's help," I pull away again, managing to land in a crouch with a thud. Can't let them see me weak.

"Ezra, calm down!" Kanaan scrambles to get to me. I'm faster and yank down on the vent cover with the force. Karablast, they sealed it! Looking for an exit, I break for the door, only to be swept up by Kanan. Going lax, I slip out of his arms and scramble out the door. I duck under a bundle of arms and in between legs to the nearest vent, slipping in the tiny space just as I hear a few hands smash into the grate behind me. Sighing in relief, I frantically move away from the medbay. I crawl for a good while before coming to a T. Where do I go? And where am I? Hearing voices, I turn right to avoid them, only to fall through a loose grate I didn't even see. _Useless_! I wince as pain laces up my ankle. Twisted, maybe sprained.

Looking around, I groan at the two lightsabers sitting on the table. A toilet flushes and I scramble underneath the table, cursing at the lack of cover. No way I'm getting out of this.

"Hello? Is that you, Kanan? I didn't hear you... Ezra, what are you doing here?" A pair of orange hands reach for me, but I scramble just out of their reach. I pop up to run, turning into more of a hobbling lope as my ankle burns like twenty lashes. The door opens to Kanan. Karablast! How...

I freeze as he hesitates. A silent eternity passes, my heart pounding in my ears. "Ezra," Kanan says softly. "Let's go to my room." I hesitate, shuddering at the rooms I've- wait, no, he's not like that. I nod and follow him.

A few minutes later, Kanan is sitting on his bed while I awkwardly stand by the door. "Ezra, what's going on?"

"Nothing," I flush. Karablast, it wasn't this hard on the streets. "Fine, you know what."

"Ezra..." Kanan starts to rise, making me curl inwards. Nope, remember, this is Kanan, not them. _Kanan_ , not them. I relax as he sits back down. "Karablast, I'm not going to hurt you! Why would I hurt you!"

I wince, knowing he's a least partially right. "I, I know. It's just..." I look away. I would've though I've already hit bottom with them, but this... who would want a kid who's not only useless, stupid, and a self-risk, but who's broken! Oh no no no, you are NOT going to add crybaby to that list, I turn fully away, blinking rapidly to hold back the tears. _Ah, but crybaby I'd the least of those_ , that voice says. _And who the hell can't defend himself from normal people, hmmm? You useless, pathetic little_ -

I gasp, Kanaan's touch on my shoulder jolting me back. I tremble, memories flooding unbidden to the forefront of my mind. Burning, screeching pain, tearing,... His touch is gone. _Thud_.

Confused, I turn around, only to see him on his knees. What the... He starts crying softly. I freeze, conflicted. Most memories would say to, um... This is Kanan, not some sickko. Ah _, but aren't you just as sick for even thinking of that?_

"Ezra, I'm sorry, I..." Kanan sobs, and I just keep shaking. What does he want me to do! "I should have known. A master knows these things." I gasp quietly, causing him to look up into my terrified, conflicted eyes. "Ezra, I swear on the Force that would never intentionally do anything to hurt you. I don't know what else they did-"

I sink to my knees, relieved and finally understanding."Kanan, I know I'm a failure, useless, pathetic, a risk to the group, and so much worse," looking down, I finally break down, tears flowing like a river. "I understand if you never want to see my face again. Just drop me off somewhere and I'll dissappear."

"Not want you? Ezra, we love you!" Kanan gently, but firmly, brought my chin up to meet my eyes. "We'd never abandon you. And you're not any of that! With all you've been through, I can't believe how happy you normally are. We always talk about how brave and compassionate you are, sometimes despite yourself."

Shocked, I stutter, "But, but my parents... I've known they had to be dead for so long. And, and the missions. I always make a mistake that almost gets us killed! I got you captured. I didn't double check the Ghost. I-"

"Ezra, everyone makes mistakes. We don't blame you for anything, and you did not get me captured!"

"But without me"

"Without you, I wouldn't be who I am. I was lost for so long before you came. Without you, me and most of the crew would be dead, and the Grand Inquisitor alive." Kanan pauses, taking a deep breath. "You've done so much for us and for the rebellion. For me. I don't know what I would do if I lost you. When my master died... It was a dark time. I nearly turned that night, wanting to take revenge on those who killed the only family I had ever known. Once that passed, the guilt, the pain... I thought about ending myself so many times."

I blink twice, shocked. Kanan, thought about it, too? But... I hiss and scoot back, banging my head against the wall. _It has to have been a mistake, just calm down_ , my heart races as Kanan freezes, looking terribly confused. I barely moved an inch, but it was barely a brush on my outer thigh. Nothing suspicious. Just calm the frag down!

"Ezra? Ezra! What's wrong?" Kanan reaches towards my arm, but I instinctually flinch back, banging into the wall again. He freezes again. He looks between my face and his hand, and I watch as understanding and mortification spread like wildfire across his features. Kanan immediately scooches back as fast as he can, nearly flipping over in his hurry.

I was right. I, I knew I was. Squeezing my eyes shut, I wince as I jump to my feet and run out the door, barely registering my name being called.

(Kanan's POV)

Karablast, how could I have been so stupid! I race through the ship, prodding out with the Force, only to be met by that same, yet slightly different ocean of emotions. The signs were there if I had only looked. Tense around men, more so when touched. He dreaded being in my quarters, and... Oh Force, how must he feel sleeping above Zeb! I have to find him.

"Hera, call off Zeb from the search team. Tell him someone needs him or something," I say through a closed channel.

"Love, what's wrong? I'm with Sabine right now."

"You know how Ezra doesn't like to talk about his past?"

"Mhm?"

"And how he reacted so strangely in that memory?"

"Kanan Jarrus, just tell me already!" Hera snapped.

I rubbed the back of my neck, reaching out with the Force again. Same results. "He was... Ezra was, well, touched. By men. You know..."

"QA? Jinka? Torr chi'kans! Freykaa Zen'ka... Ka're,"

"Hold on, Hera. You know I can't understand you like that, but I think I get the gyst. Just please call Zeb off? We can talk about that later. I didn't respond well, and Ezra is too vulnerable to be alone right now."

"Well, I swear, if you killed my a'kei..."

"Don't worry, Hera. We'll find him." I hope...

(A/N okay, I feel like I should actually be concerned that I've felt this bad twice just one day apart. Yes, that means more for you guys, but that particular mindset? Not so good for me. Without this, I would be crying into my pillow and being thankful that I was able to make it through the evening when nothing in particular set me off into this mood. Hanging a smile off the top of your jawbone so it sticks? Yeah, that's a real thing I have to do.

I wanted to do something more antagonistic in Ryll, but I couldn't find a word for kill, maim, steal, or anything of the like. And hehe see what I did there with Ka're? I mean with Kanera

Translations:

Qa = what

Jinka = who

Torr chi'kans = pale perverts

Freykaa Zen'ka = beloved family (Twi'leks and non-Twi-leks)

Ka're = more than boyfriend but not husband

A'kei = son

Update: just fixed a couple things I noticed)


	3. Chapter 3

_Stupid. Useless. Stupid. Useless_. My head pounds with each step as I run from Kanan. How could I think he'd be okay with this! The look on his face... Tears pour down my face as I tear past strangers, half-hoping someone, anyone, will notice. No one does. No surprise. Sensing Kanan nearby, I scramble into a room, panting as the door wooshes closed behind me. Turning around in the cramped space, I melt onto the floor, arms wrapped around my knees. _You sick, pathetic little wimp! No one cares, no one ever has. Do yourself and everyone else a favor for once and end it! Like you should have that first time._

Panting, I run fingers through my hair. I gave in yesterday, or a few days ago... whenever it happened! It would be so easy. No blade on me, but... there! Its not much, but a razor from behind me would do. Staring at the cased blades, I hesitate. What if... what if they do find me in time? To wake up like that again.. _Clang_! The razor slips from my fingers. I rest my head against my knees Hmph, too weak to even kill myself. Too weak to face him, too weak to end it.

The door opens, I don't look up. "Ezra, it's me. I... I'm sorry. About earlier. I just didn't know how to help. I was afraid of hurting you even more! Please, just. Just come with me." A blurry hand extends from the doorway.

"G-go away!" my voice cracks into a sob. "You still don't get it, do you? I'm the problem. I'm the failure, just the stupid kid. I can't even...couldn't even..." I start shaking, curling into myself more. Why is he even here! _So he can say he found you too late, you idiot! Why else?_

"Ezra..." Arms wrap around me picking me up in a ball. Tensing, I suck back, nearly falling. Kanan... cradles me. "Ezra, you were just a kid. You're still a kid! I love you like a son. You didn't have anyone to protect you then, but now you do. Just please, let us help you get through this. Let us help you find peace."

Frozen, I notice his heartbeat. Pounding, like mine. But... genuine. He... But... Exhausted, I let it all go for now, resting against his chest. For the first time in so long, it just feels... right. "Don't let go," looking into his eyes, I whimper, hoping he understands.

"Never." Curling even more into him, I relax completely, falling asleep almost immediately.

(Kanan's POV)

Tucking Ezra into the bottom bunk of my bed, I turn to face Hera and Zeb. The others grudgingly left a few minutes ago after seeing Ezra was safe with their own eyes. The poor guy was still rubbing his neck, deep in thought. "Tea?" I ask, grabbing a few cups from my hobby stash. Zeb snort-laughs at the normalness, but both nod appreciatively.

"Kanan..." Hera starts.

"He, uh, should probably bunk with you." Zeb quickly takes a sip of ginseng tea.

I nod, thankful he was the one to suggest it. "At least for now. Well, he was probably fine with you, but-"

"It'll make it easier on everyone," Hera interrupts. "And I'll try to spend more time with him, too. But Garazeb Orrelios, if you pull one prank, I swear-"

"Woah, Hera!" I mockingly shift in between her and Zeb, snickering at his horrified expression. "We're not trying to cut him off from normal, here. Just make him feel more at home."

She glares daggers at both of us. "Oh? And just what would you consider humiliating him in front of Sabine?"

I turn, shifting back to my chair to properly raise an eyebrow at Zeb. "Oh? And what is this humiliation of which she speaks?"

Zeb flushes redder than my cinnamon apple tea. "Well, uh, you see. There was a thing. He wanted to do, aaand, I might have encouraged him. Aaand I might have told Sabine before. He did it. So... yeah."

I shrug, "Hera?"

She frowns, lekku curling slightly. "Kanan Jarrus. You may not have grown up with your biological family, but you most certainly learned manners at the Temple. Brothers do not go as far as Zeb did."

"Ookay, well, keep pranking to... more brotherly?"

"That's actually not even close to what my brothers and I did to each other. I've been going easy on the kid by Lasat standards," Zeb grinned. Smirking, I gave him a light force push, jerking my head to Hera. "Okay! I'm lightening up."

We sat for a little while longer chatting before Zeb hit the sack. Once he left, Hera turned to me, concern radiating off her more than she had shown. "Love, do you really think he'll be all right?"

I sigh, melting as I look at his fitful face. "I don't know. I just don't know about anything anymore. I was so sure we were doing the right things, but if he was cutting the whole time..."

"Kanan, you don't know that. The medical droid said they were hard to pinpoint a time frame on, but most of them were old."

"But Hera, why didn't he tell us he was struggling?" I sink back into my chair, turning it to face the bunk bed.

"Love, he was on the street for so long and what happened with the men... Maybe he just wasn't ready to tell us. Remember what you first told me?"

I shake my head. "That was different. I-"

"Kanan," she starts kneading my shoulders and I melt. "You were broken. Mentally, but that's where Ezra is hurting, too. Let him tell you on his terms. Do for him what I did you."

"Fly me around and give me an earful? Ow!"

She playfully swats my ear. "No, you goof. Give him time, but be right there beside him. Subtly let him know you've felt pain, too, and want to help. Help when you can, but don't ever push."

I smile, lightly resting a hand on hers. Maybe we'll get through this after all.

(A/N Hi again actually... it hit me as I went back over this this morning for editing. Would you guys like one more to explain what happened to Ezra in the past? Or maybe a separate collection of one-shots instead? I'm pretty good at writing torture/beating up sequences little bit of Kanera this time. More fluff on both ends I wish I could address reviews individually, but I can't see any of the ones posted after December 30th. Anyone else having that issue?

Thank you guys so much for the wonderful reviews! This has been a great release for me, and based on how much y'all loved this, maybe I'll write a Hiro cutter - eh, could be a while; this actually helped a lot with that - or maybe something about Zeb. Hardly anyone writes about his story, and I think I've got the hang of his speaking style.

If you haven't already, please check out my other SWR fanfic, "Fear the Darkness?" which is also about Ezra, but from the POV of a powerful dark side oc. At this point, I doubt the updates will be weekly, but I'll try to do at least once every 2 weeks)


	4. New Update

Hey guys!

I love all your enthusiasm! Special thanks to Chiibe, Neshina, Midnight Luna, Starlight, and Jessie :) and Jessie, thanks for the encouragement; it means a lot simply to know someone else knows/cares. I haven't actually told anyone about what I've felt (it just seems so much easier to do it online when no one knows who you are).

As for the story, I've decided to do a series of one-shots :) it might take a little bit to figure out exactly how this goes, but in the mean time, here's a folder with self-rejected starts to chapters (thought I'd reward you for waiting):

sta . sh/0h6bjp2tvgl (without the spaces; sorry, I forgot fanfiction doesn't like links to that data storage site)

Do you guys get an update message when I simply update chapters? If so, I feel like that would be a good way of letting you know when I have a new rejection up (if anyone likes an idea, let me know and I'll re-visit it)


	5. Prequel Up!

If you click on my name, "Lightning in the Streets" should pop up as the first or second story on my list. I know the first chapter isn't exactly my best work, but I ended up going with one that I wrote when I was in a bad place again (my sister had run away just a couple hours before and I was feeling bad for not being there more for her)

Enjoy :) hope you liked the outtakes


	6. Final Chapter

(A/N This was bothering me, so I think I do need one more chapter to close this off :) I was debating just switching the prequel to a sequel, but I think I'll keep it as is and continue with "Lightning on the Streets" when I'm ready.

*facepalm* it hit me while I wrote this that I had him running from Kanan when a few minutes before he had sprained his ankle. Eh, call it adrenaline rush. *double facepalm* oh come on… because of course twisted = sprained

This chapter is rated **M** for… erm, rape. It's not graphic, but… yeah, it happens. If it feels awkward, sorry; I've only written a scene like this once before, and even that was very different and much, _much_ shorter (you did ask for this).

 **Dream**

 _Thoughts or onomatopoeia or particularly emphasized words_

"dialogue"

" _Telepathy through the Force_ ")

" **String 'im up!" that voice calls out again. No, NO! I frantically tug at the cold, metal restraints again. "Please, I swear I won't tell anyone. J-just-"**

" **Ha! You won't leave here until Master's done with you, ya little loth-rat!" I flinch, leaning as far away as I could from the Zygerrian. She unlocks the chains from the wall, yanking on them as I stumble forward. Biting my lip to keep from crying out, I shuffle forward. I stop before the door of our room and almost fall as I'm yanked forward again. Brow knitting, I sneak a look up. We're heading towards the only colored door I've seen in the few hallways they've led me down. Electricity explodes from my wrists up and down my body. I scream, shaking from the brief intensity until we reach the door. She looks down in… pity? "Just try to relax and it won't hurt as much."**

 **Eyes wide, I stumble into the room. Every surface was covered in sound-muffling fabrics, even the strange tables and chairs. For once, the Zygerrian gives me a moment to stare before practically dragging me to one of the contraptions. The bond in between my cuffs is broken, but the Zygerrian quickly ties the ends of the restraints to rings on the kneeling… thing. She forces me to my knees and straps my head into a mask of sorts, lining my mouth up with a fairly wide hole.**

(Kanan's POV – I just mentally cannot write anymore of that)

Blearily half-opening my eyes, I sense something off in the Force. Sighing, I almost fall back asleep in my chair when my mug hits me in the back of the head. "OW!" I mutter, starting awake as I realize everything not tied down, including my chair, is floating about my room. Grabbing the bunk ladder for stability, I slide off my chair to the floor.

"No, please…" Ezra is hardly breathing, thrashing about on the bed. "Wait, what are you- AAAAAH!" I flinch as he screams, throwing me and everything in the air against the door with the force. The door automatically opens, making me fall on my back and the other objects falling around and on top of me. Hera and Ahsoka run towards me, but I quickly wave them back. Cautiously weaving back into my room, I return to Ezra's side and try to hold him down by his stomach and legs.

"Ezra, its' all right, it's me. You're safe now," I try to reassure him. Ezra only continues to thrash about, clawing at my arms as he tries to get away from the dream. Hesitating for half a moment, I gently place a hand on his forehead and close my eyes, reaching out with the Force. I wince, probe met with a dark cloud of fear, pain, and anger. Radiating peace and calm while repeating what I said earlier, I push forward, fragments of his dream digging into my conscience. Fiery pain everywhere, flashes of a soft, red room… My eyes snap open as I stand to his side in the memory. **A tall, reptilian male stands behind Ezra, thrusting as tears stream down the kid's face. Fuming, I throw the Aa'raa back with the force and quickly free Ezra from the strange contraption. "** _ **Ezra, it's me. He can't hurt you anymore; this is just a dream. You have to wake up**_ **."**

" _ **K-Kanan?**_ **" Recognition flashes in the kid's eyes** and we both wake in the present with a start. Ezra bolts upright, my hand the only thing that keeps his head from hitting the bottom of the top bunk. I wince, the force of the blow making my hand smart. Ezra blushes, letting himself fall back.

Force-pulling everything back into our room, I lock the door. "Ezra," I start softly, pausing as tears start to slip from his eyes. Ezra quickly turns to face the wall, shaking as silent sobs rack his small frame. "Ezra, I know y-"

"You don't know anything!" he sobs.

"Ezra-"

"No, Kanan, you don't." Flinching, I resist the urge to hug him, to hold him close and never let go. After that… how does he let anyone get even close to him?

"You're right," I admit softly. "I don't know what it's like to lose everything you've lost."

Ezra flinches, something hitting a nerve. "I didn't mean-"

"Ezra, you've been through more than any kid - karablast, more than _anyone_ \- should have to go through," I take a deep, shaky breath. "I don't know what to say or do to help. All I really know is what _not_ to do."

Eyes lowered, Ezra flips to face me. "Maybe… maybe we figure this out…" he mumbled the last word.

I frown slightly. "Sorry, I didn't quite catch that last part."

He glowers at the floor, "Together! Okay? I said maybe we can figure this out together."

Smiling comfortingly, I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. "Of course! Ezra, I only want the best for you. If that means…" I lightly drum fingers against my thigh. "if that means talking about my past, then okay. I'd do anything for you."

Finally looking me in the eye, Ezra pleadingly searches for the truth. Opening myself completely to the force, I radiate comfort and peace, and he relaxes with a small sigh. Suddenly Ezra throws himself forward into a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around me and burying his head in my chest, right over my heart. In shock, I hesitate a moment before lightly hugging him back, rubbing his knotted muscles a bit.

After a few minutes, Ezra releases, pulling back slightly. I reluctantly let go, wishing we could stay like that forever. With me he's safe, but how can I protect him if I'm not right there? Cocking his head, Ezra asks, "What's that?" Confused, I turn to see that he's pointing to a half-wrapped package.

I chuckle, that market trip certainly feels like an eternity ago, not three days. "I got something for you when we went on that supply run. Go ahead, open it." His smile wavers slightly, and I inwardly curse at reminding him of that day. Still, Ezra walks over with a slight limp. I frown, "What happened to your leg?"

He winces. "Fell from a vent grate. That's how I ended up in Ahsoka's room." I nod, making a mental note to check on it later. Ezra carefully removes the crinkled brown paper and string, setting them aside like they were gifts. Curious, he opens the small, beat-up box I had found for them and grins broader than I've seen him before. "Spine tree roots! How did you…"

I smiled, relieved he likes them. "I figured you could use something that reminded you of Lothal, and I saw a shopkeeper with 'deals' on off-world plants. I _was_ going to see if there was something alive, but…"

Ezra cradles a few in his palm, deeply inhaling their earthy, mildly spicy scent. "These are perfect, thank you." He hesitates, a shiver going down his spine. "My…parents used to make me spine tree tea when I had a cold or a bad day at school."

I offer a small smile, "Hey, I think you've deserved some of that. One scoop of sweetener?" Ezra nods, and I rinse the kettle just in case before he drops in his handful of roots. He wobbles a bit, shifting his weight. I sigh, "Ezra, let me look." Ezra sits down and I slide his shoes off, prodding his ankle lightly. He bites his lip.

After a few minutes, I grab some gauze from my first aid kit. "Looks like just a minor sprain. Stay off it for the rest of the day, and we'll see how it is in the morning."

Ezra frowned, getting up. I almost grab his leg to plop him back down but quickly go for his hand instead, gently tugging from just before the bandage. "I've had worse. It'll be fine in a couple days."

I sigh, "It'll heal in a few _hours_ if you stay off it. Now sit." He looks longingly towards the door but sits with a muffled _thump_. We sit in silence for a while, Ezra looking into the distance before the kettle _dings_ that the tea is done. I pour each of us a mug before his attention snaps back.

"All right, Kanan, what is it? Is it the scars? The dream?"

I start, wondering how obvious I was. "It's… everything."

Ezra flinches, spilling a little tea on the outside of his pant leg. "Okay…want to be a little more specific?"

I take a deep breath, "Let's start with the scars. When…"  
"Did they happen?" Ezra looks at me strangely, then shrugs. "Very first one on the back of my wrist was from when I was eight and just barely avoided getting my hand cut off for stealing a jogun from an Abednado. Last one was, well, the wrists, but… ah, time before that was when- oh…" Ezra blushes, suddenly finding his tea very interesting.

(Ezra's POV)

Oh Karablast, _that's_ what he meant. _Of course he wants to know, you fool! He doesn't_ trust _you, remember? None of them do. You're just the pathetic, broken Loth-rat_. A hand rests on top of my right, guiding it to set the mug down as I realize I'm shaking.

Kanan brushes lightly against my Force signature, and I eagerly let him in. " _Ezra, if you don't want to talk about it-"_

" _No, it's okay,_ " I offer a weak smile as his warmth spreads. " _You guys helped. A lot. It took me a while, but after that day when we found out Master Unduli is dead, I just… didn't need to anymore. Sometimes I still got the urge, but my connection with you and the Force helped me through it. When my parents died…_ " Relief with a touch of sadness flooded through our bond

" _Ezra, you can always tell me if something's wrong. We won't ever think you're weak or pathetic._ " I jump a little. How- " _Ezra,_ " he almost sounds amused. " _Our bond is through the Force; when you're upset, I can feel it. Unless you're blocking me._ "

I nod, relishing in our closeness for a few minutes before my stomach rumbles loudly. A knock pulls me out of our little trance as Kanan chuckles. "Figured you'd be hungry, too. Had the chef bring some nek tongue soup and nerf stakes."

A few minutes later I dig into the delicacies, relishing in the rich, smoky flavor dipped in the spicy broth. Kanan sputters, fanning his mouth as he feels around for his mug. Snickering, I force-pull it away. "Basic doesn't really have the right word for it… On Terra, apparently it's called a 'dipping sauce.'" Scowling, Kanan pulls the mug back, chugging it to relieve his burning mouth and throat. I chortle as he stabs into his steak and rebelliously shoves a slice into his mouth, wincing at the strong flavor. He finally gives in and dips it into the soup, pure bliss spreading across his face at the marrying of flavors. Unable to hold back anymore, I burst out laughing, spewing droplets of the soup everywhere. Kanan glares at me for a moment before chuckling lightly at the ridiculousness of it.

(A/N yes, spine roots are actually listed under Lothal's flora. Mwahaha I don't actually know if nek tongue soup/dipping sauce is a thing on Lothal, but hey, if they don't mention any delicacies, we can make 'em up)


End file.
